This remains 1 of the hardest things I can talk about with this year marking my 20th Christmas without my DAD :(
& so the mixed feelings pops up....
Christmas is my favorite time of the year... it's the time that brings out all the eagerness of a small child, the excitement, the happiness!! It's the month I feel serenity and warmth... The feeling even doubled whenever I look at my adorable kids & their sparkling eyes around the Christmas tree, their joy and excitement while opening the gifts..I just love it all!!! yet...
I can't help but wish he was here to see it all...he missed lots of huge milestones from my life...20 years is a long long time...& as long the memory is still their so is the pain!
Loosing my father to CANCER at the age of 14 was a BIG Blow...
watching him MELT they way he did was heartbreaking..my undeveloped emotional brain didn't cope well with that experience...my reaction was to withdraw myself.. sitting alone in my room...endless sleepless nights of crying and waiting for a MIRACLE to happen..to hear the words that's he will LIVE
The Miracle never happened..The words I heard were the opposite!!
My world crashed.. I was too devastated to care about anything.. even about ME
Long story short...
this was my FATHER...the way I knew HIM all my life...for 14 years this is the MAN that he was..Strong, self-dependent- well built - happy & proud of his shop and work - companion to many many people & above all a huge figure!
I can't help but wish he was here to see it all...he missed lots of huge milestones from my life...20 years is a long long time...& as long the memory is still their so is the pain!
Loosing my father to CANCER at the age of 14 was a BIG Blow...
watching him MELT they way he did was heartbreaking..my undeveloped emotional brain didn't cope well with that experience...my reaction was to withdraw myself.. sitting alone in my room...endless sleepless nights of crying and waiting for a MIRACLE to happen..to hear the words that's he will LIVE
The Miracle never happened..The words I heard were the opposite!!
My world crashed.. I was too devastated to care about anything.. even about ME
Long story short...
this was my FATHER...the way I knew HIM all my life...for 14 years this is the MAN that he was..Strong, self-dependent- well built - happy & proud of his shop and work - companion to many many people & above all a huge figure!
There were days when he was happy unless a picky customer walked in!
This SHOP meant so much for HIM & we couldn't even save it!!
our LAST FAMILY Christmas...
That Night...we discovered how to take a selfie & looking at the camera taking a picture on it's own was hilarious!
and this is what he turned into...the very last picture I have with him (sadly don't have a lot..) This was our very last FAMILY Christmas...
1 month & 3 days later he just passed away ;(
The last days of his life he was even 1/2 the size he was in this picture!! He was like a skeleton..couldn't even walk & i couldn't bare seeing him like this!!!
That last night I passed by him I couldn't sit or talk with him..I couldn't look up at him or say anything..Do U know what was worse? He didn't recognize me!!!! & so I rushed quietly to cry my heart out all alone in my bedroom..not knowing it was our last time together!!
I never said goodbye or I LOVE U DAD because I thought there was still tomorrow!!!
You see... we always take things for granted..because WE HAVE them NOW
We always think WE can make it up tomorrow!!
I believe the pain never went away all these years because it was wrapped up with guilt
I keep saying I wish I was stronger. I wish I was that emotional...I wish I wasn't a mess back then...but those will remain just wishes
So i tried to keep the family together throughout all the years..I tried so hard to keep having this image..just like the last one we enjoyed as a family when DAD was still with US...but with time..families drift away! Eventually you get tired of trying or pushing for something others are not as eager as YOU to make it happen!
alternative? LIVING and enjoying Christmas with my own kids!
Donating and helping out orphanages...the little kids who don't get to enjoy Christmas with their parents..because I know that feeling so well
Helping out patients with Cancer...you will never know the feeling, the agonizing, heartbreaking, and sad feeling until you loose someone to cancer! It eats u up as much as it eats your beloved ones up :(
1 month & 3 days later he just passed away ;(
The last days of his life he was even 1/2 the size he was in this picture!! He was like a skeleton..couldn't even walk & i couldn't bare seeing him like this!!!
That last night I passed by him I couldn't sit or talk with him..I couldn't look up at him or say anything..Do U know what was worse? He didn't recognize me!!!! & so I rushed quietly to cry my heart out all alone in my bedroom..not knowing it was our last time together!!
I never said goodbye or I LOVE U DAD because I thought there was still tomorrow!!!
You see... we always take things for granted..because WE HAVE them NOW
We always think WE can make it up tomorrow!!
I believe the pain never went away all these years because it was wrapped up with guilt
I keep saying I wish I was stronger. I wish I was that emotional...I wish I wasn't a mess back then...but those will remain just wishes
So i tried to keep the family together throughout all the years..I tried so hard to keep having this image..just like the last one we enjoyed as a family when DAD was still with US...but with time..families drift away! Eventually you get tired of trying or pushing for something others are not as eager as YOU to make it happen!
alternative? LIVING and enjoying Christmas with my own kids!
Donating and helping out orphanages...the little kids who don't get to enjoy Christmas with their parents..because I know that feeling so well
Helping out patients with Cancer...you will never know the feeling, the agonizing, heartbreaking, and sad feeling until you loose someone to cancer! It eats u up as much as it eats your beloved ones up :(
In the end...sharing with you this sentimental video (click here) that is a spots on to celebrating holidays away from our parents
YOU can NEVER be ready enough to say Goodbye..to LET GO..to have it all planned!! But...You can make the best of your time NOW
In the end everything fades away but it's the memories that remain with US for a LIFETIME!
Wishing you ALL a great, happy & blessed Holidays with all your loved ones!
