Why do I call him my miracle child? Well I am about to share with you a very private part of my life...only a few knew about it.
Why am I sharing it? Because I would like to highlight the struggles of motherhood even way before we become moms.
I want to share with you how sometimes things happen unexpectedly bringing us so down & skeptical.
I am sure lots of you will relate
I was 25 and he was 27, and we were both young, wild, and adventurous couple who wanted to enjoy their newly married life. It's normal, and expected, plus we were still saving up so naturally we weren't ready to start a family yet!
Then other factors popped up in our way, and we started delaying the baby idea more and more.
Three years later, we finally decided we were ready to be parents :) I was ready to be a MOM, my motherhood instincts were on, my clock was ticking, and i felt it!
Do you know what I mean? And we thought now that we arr finally ready, how hard can it be!!
I did my home pregnancy test and I got a light positive sign (it was a very faint line, but it was positive and that was all that mattered to me!!)
We were super duper thrilled, too thrilled we went ahead and told the entire family straight away!!! (BIG MISTAKE)
Then 2 days later, I had a severe stomach ache! Went to my OBGYN and we figured out there's no pregnancy!!
It's been sometime since I had such a slap from life but at that moment I was speechless.. We did the blood test to check hCG level and it confirmed there was a beginning of a pregnancy!!!
Which ended in a "Chemical Pregnancy"!!
It was the first time I heard of this term!! I started crying and sobbing at the clinic, not understanding what this means, or why did it even happen to me!! What did I do wrong?
My DR assured me that although they still weren't quite sure of the the causes; yet it is very normal and common issue and that many women experience it without even knowing!!
At that moment I didn't care for the details, I was just so disappointed with myself for failing!! I just wanted to grieve it out!
The following couple of month were so stressful, and i was constantly worried, and depressed from failing again!!
Thus, I urge any mom to talk about her feelings! Don't fall under the trap of listening to others telling you it wasn't a big deal, and that there was no pregnancy to begin with so why the sobbing and the crying!
TRUST ME no matter how insignificant people think of a chemical pregnancy, yet don't take it lightly, grieve it out!
ONLY YOU understands the feeling of this LOSS. ONLY YOU can decide if it is a big deal or not!
Again, that feeling of failure creeped back up on me! I was like "Are you serious?" "Why ME!"
So we scheduled for my operation, I got preped, sedetaed, and off the surgery room!!
3 hours later I woke up, and they send me off to my room and my family kept reassuring me I should be positive and calm!!!!
I had no idea why they were acting weird but I could swear I felt something wrong had happened! And everytime I ask about how my operation went they say, "Wait till your DR. speaks with you!" Very reassuring no?
Finally, I learned that they faced an unexpected incident in which they accidently perforated my uterus!!
YUP... my Dr. said it this way!!
ME, still recovering from my anesthesia, shivering from the operating room AC, with a blank face and feeling like a dead zombie looked up at him and said, "Excuse me? You did what?"
Unfortunately, this incident caused me another 3 month for recovery!
I felt so down, so depressed, and so mocked by life! When we were ready to start a family and have a baby the universe, apparently had a different plan for us!!
As the weeks went by, I couldn't get over the why?
If I didn't' had my chemical pregnancy, I would be going through my 3rd trimester now!!
FInally, I decided to let it go and to move on!
Maybe we weren't a perfect fit to be parents!!
Although minding you, based on our Dr's advice. A couple are not diagnosed that they have failed (or are suffering from INFERTILITY issues), especially when they have been trying to conceive for less than a year.
However, because we were so eager and ready and it didn't happen as we anticipated it, we felt we failed!
August 2010 I got a + sign on my pregnancy test! I insisted to do my hCG blood test and it came high!
I waited and waited for the weeks to pass by, did the ultrasound, and then did my 12 weeks ultrasound and everytime my DR. assured me I am Pregnant and I am carrying a normal healthy baby!!
It was then when we decided to break the news to our family and friends!
I remained a bit worried (by nature I am a pessimistic person!) but I had to apologize for the people I kept snapping at everytime they told me to relax and it will happen :)
After almost 2 years of crying and praying so hard to have a baby, to experience and learn what motherhood is!
YET, I know what it feels like for 1st time Moms who were trying and failed!
I know how painful and hard a chemical pregnancy is ( no matter how common, how normal, or how insignificant it is to some) but for a woman trying to be a mom is means a lot!
And I know after going through lots of failed attempts, and after going through a depression, when you finally become a mom the feeling is priceless!
What an achievement, what an accomplishment!
Embrace and Enjoy it Moms, because you sure deserved it!