YES!! I'm currently swiped up by a bundle of mixed feelings.
Feelings that I can't quite put a finger on, or know how to label or even describe them!!
Am I Proud? Happy? Achieved? Full-Filled? or Am I Scared? Worried? Tensed? & Full of Regrets?
This year, I found myself wondering: "Is this really how I wanted to live my life?" This threw me off a little as I realized that I had never seriously thought about this question. Life just happened...I simply allowed myself to make my decisions and go with the flow without having an overall view of how life should have been like!
If I can write a letter to my Younger Self to do things differently what would I say?
Personally, I Believe things are in the past for a reason, so let them be! I will not try to alternate any of the incidents that happen, or people who caused me pain, or be-wronged me.
I learned quite a lot when life just happened. Some lessons may be more obvious than others. So Here is a letter to my younger self.
Dear Younger ME,
First of all congratulations on being a Mom for 2 amazing children. Yes, sometimes you will be pulling your hair out, wondering non-stop, if you are a FIT MUM if you are raising them well if you are doing a good job! YOU ARE.. so RELAX!
Now, moving on to the younger you,
To the emotional introvert 14 years old girl who had to see her father melting in front of her.
Don't take it all in by yourself. SPEAK it out, Cry it out Loud! You holding all this pain, anger, and sadness in was the 1st breaking point in your personality. From that day on, you always had trouble sharing your FEELINGS, your TRUE feelings with all those around you.
To the 15 years old WILD & rebellious teenager: You decided LIFE was not worth it. You witnessed your first experience with losing a beloved one in an ugly way, and the only way you dealt with all this pain was eating it out. The kilos you gained made you an easy target for bullying. That was the 1st turning point in your body image and it haunted you forever. DON'T LET IT!
To the 18 years Girl: You had to start your first job while all your friends are still enjoying their last teenage years. I know You still think life was not fair. The feeling will last a while and you will force yourself to work as hard as you never have before just to prove yourself and to be able to stand on your feet. It was all worth it. Oh yes, you will end up marrying the boy you met that summer on your 18th birthday :) Turned out, he became your best friend and he was a keeper!
To the 20 years old self-made lady: You bounced off smoothly, you earned your 2nd reputable certificate which opened new doors for you! At this point, you will be able to acknowledge that it was quite courageous what you did. This is the phase in your life when you started making your own decisions. Enrolling in university, seeking your BA degree, and going after things you are passionate about. The coming 5 years were your golden years to learn. To grow. To Despair. To rebuild. You have set the goals. You achieved them. You earned your degree and the new job posts that followed. You just failed to speak out what your WORTH was at the workforce. Instead of speaking out you run away to a new job, one after the other! Big Mistake. You should have put your foot down and demanded what you believed then you were entitled to earn! Speaking out was the only thing that held you back most of the times.
To the 25 years old woman. Don't be alarmed. You married your best friend. You have embarked on a fantastic new journey with lots of 'Firsts". Started with a new job, a new house, and a new experience. During that time, however, life will throw a few curveballs at you. No, you can't be prepared for this. No there was no way to avoid them. But eventually, it turned out this is a good thing.
To the 30 years old MOM: The answer to "why" you so desperately searched for never came. But something amazing burst out. Your 'Miracle" child and you will rediscover a passion, a love, a sentimental feeling that you never knew it could even exist.
Yes, you will have to resign from your career and drop your job in marketing to become a full-time stay-at-home-mom. The first years will be super tiring. You will forget yourself. You will dream of sleeping (so please get as much sleep as you possibly can while you are young!). You will doubt yourself as a good MOM every single minute of every single day! Once you are blessed with baby #2 you will literally lose your brains, but your hands and your heart will be overflowing with LOVE.
At 35, and once they both start school, you will feel a void. You will be empty. You will feel your main duty in life is to be just a MOM. A stay-at-Home-Mom that is not producing, that her main chores in life is just house cleaning and raising her little ones, but don't let that despair You. DON'T underestimate your ROLE as a MOM!
This doubt will keep going on, back and forth, for several years. Some days you will feel over-achieved and super proud of yourself. And then there will be other days when you feel underachieved and useless.Trying to find yourself again in all this mess will be very challenging. Yes, you haven't ticked off most of the things off your to-do-list but try to focus on the BIG picture. Try to value the little things you have and not the big things you couldn't get.
So, if I may, I would like to share some advice. I wish I knew them a little earlier. And even though I do know them now, my fear of speaking them out is always standing in my way, holding me back most of the times.
1- Don't Define yourself through others. Live your own life and follow your own values and beliefs.
2- Find your passion and follow it, it will be worth it.
3- be kind to yourself and forgive mistakes. Nobody is perfect, least of all "YOU".
4- Be brave. Be strong. Be Bold.
5- Don't be a follower. Don't try to please other people. To get carried away by peer pressure just to fit in.
6- Let them LOVE You for Who You are. For the Special and Unique YOU.
7- Success is not easy and NO ONE will be genuine to sincerely help or support you. So be Careful from the so-called acquaintance whom you will meet under the title of Empowering you. Learn your lessons, while remembering No one can Push YOU but YOU.
Learn to 'See YOURSELF with your OWN EYES, and LOVE yourself through your own HEART".
Lots of Love